I get by with a little help from my friends

Experience gives perspective. It just does. My life has shown me time and time again that my friends are my foundation. My husband is my rock. My kids are my wings. OK, so my kids are also my court- enforced ankle tether, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, I have awesome friends, and every fear I had of being a working mom meaning that I would no longer be an important part of their lives was premature and thankfully, completely absurd.

So happy together...

A whole weekend of Carlos and I. No bike races. No long weekend rides. Just us and sometimes the kids.

Friday night his parents took the kids overnight (YES!!!) and we went to Canada for a co-worker's bonfire. Good times were had by all. Although I must say that nurse drinking games can be kind of effed up. Got to meet a number of people I hear about all the time and everyone was so very nice.

Saturday, went and got the kids and then drove to my parents place in the thumb for a picnic/corn roast with my brothers and my closest aunt and cousins. My dad is one of 6, but he and his sister Rosie are thick as theives. Her kids are good kids, and we grew up under each others feet moreso than any of my other cousins. Heck, I can't even NAME some of my cousins! Lots of grilled corn, another bonfire, plenty of beer (ick) and kids running around in wide open space. Probably the best visit I can remember honestly.

Now Lydia is all tucked in for her nap and I am trying to decide if I want to tag along on the sail boat this afternoon. I have so very much to do- but the water and the wind is calling.

Woes of a Bike Widow

It was time that this blog got back to its roots I guess...me dealing with life as a bike widow. As such, here is the latest saga:

I get a voicemail from him last night letting me know
a) he crashed his bike
b) he was at the ER
c) he was OK
d) mostly
e) OK so there is this little elbow fracture

Ah Carlos. Ah love of my life. Ah biking. I call you his mistress, and a cruel mistress you are - to both of us. You take away his time and then this is how you treat him.

On the upside, that amazing man I get to call my husband said this morning that he felt bad because he knew that this meant a lot more work for me while he can't help as much. Pretty darn insightful if you ask me...something I don't give him credit for all that often- so I was very glad and touched to hear it.

I suppose the upside is that I will have him at home a bit more for a while, which I confess will be nice. I'm never jealous of the mistress but sometimes I just miss my man.

For your general amusement

oh yes ladies and...well, ladies. Oh, and Marissa ;)
The time has come to reach into the waaaaaaaay back machine, and let you laugh at my expense. At least this time you have my permission to do so. A third volume of very, very, very, very bad poetry has been found.

This first one I am dedicating to Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians, as they summed it up best...

Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.

Paintings
A pathetically bad poem by Tiffany Bobek, circa 1990

Fragments of life
Whose only occupation
is to cause
neurotic
individual
perception.



yeah, think about THAT for a while. It was hard to be that deep every day I tell ya, but I managed somehow.


OK, maturing some, this one is actually kind of sweet. It probably would be sweeter if I could remember who it was written for.


My Poem
still pathetically bad, circa 1992

10:03 am
Late for class
Forgot homework
(that I didn't do anyway)
Misplaced my Spanish book
Got yelled at by Miss Gage.
None of this seems to matter
because at 10:03 am
I was thinking of you.


Sweet right? In a pathetic 15 year old girl kind of way.


Last but not least is (fittingly I guess) the last poem I ever wrote. Not sure how old I would have been, but I was well into college and really should have stopped writing years ago. Still, it was the last, and I found it today and it made me kind of happy. I'm thinking it was probably circa 1997ish?

Sublime

In Detroit
the moon is an afterthought
a hiccup in the night sky
not even recognizable as
the moon that I saw with you.

There
the moon filled the sky until
you couldn't help but
breathe it in
There
it filled your lungs
and made you
ache
There
the moon is a tyrant
the moon is a religion.

Because "Management" has been all grumpy

I'll make a new post ;)

Life right now is wake self, wake kids, run out the door, work, pick up kids, run home, cook dinner, crash, repeat. I think I was out cold by about 9:00 last night. Pathetisad.

Nate is developing an awesome sense of humor. That kid cracks me up! Lydia is growing before my very eyes- wonderful and sad all in one breath.

Me? I don't know how I am doing yet. Check with me in a few weeks.

what I know:
My family and I are healthy
My husband and I love each other
We can pay our bills
We have a roof over our heads

so really, anything else can't be all that bad

Poor Bug...

Poor mama too.

Today was supposed to be Lydia's first day at daycare (and mama's first day of freedom!) but the poor bug has an ear infection. She is just miserable right now- thankfully it should be short lived according to the doc.

I have a doc appt of my own on Thursday, hopefully I will have some answers and a quick fix!

Independence

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security

And so goes the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence. My challenge to you today is to read it, in full, and give it thought. I consider myself to be patriotic, in a form. In my mind there are two ways to be true to your nation- and both ways are needed for a country to achieve greatness. One path is through questioning, the other through believing. One is not subservient to the other- both must coexist for a nation to have strength.

I have a deep love for our independence. For the laws and systems that allow our country to exist. It is that love that pushes me to constantly challenge those same laws and systems, to ensure that the freedoms that we cherish- that those self-evident truths of equality and liberty- are never allowed to fall by the wayside in favor of greed, or tyranny, or fear.

The 4th is always a holiday of reflection for me as much as it is a holiday of joy. I set aside time each year to do two things- to listen to the Declaration being read aloud on NPR and to read some other favorite historical writing. This year it is "What To The Slave Is The 4th Of July?", a speech that Frederick Douglass made in 1842.

Happy 4th to you and your family.

mom of one

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend moms of one. If you are a mom of one and get offended by this, maybe you should have another child. Then, first of all you will know what I am saying and second of all you won't have the spare time to get offended.

Second disclaimer: In hindsight, that disclaimer is probably more offensive than what I am about to post. So if you were offended by my disclaimer...well, deal with it.



Ahhh being a mom to one. Who knew it was so easy? Who knew how much you can get done with just one little one to tote about?

Nate is in summer camp 3 days a week, which means that it is just mama and Lydia all day long. I love the one on one attention I can give her. I love how much I can accomplish. I love my son and get so happy when it is time for him to come home- but life doesn't stay quite so simple.

I dropped Nate off at 8. By 9:30, I had washed and vaccumed my car, did a load of laundry, answered my emails, organized a closet, and spread world peace amongst the warring nations.

Remember that time two years ago when you said...

Sometimes people say or do things and I don't respond the way that I would have liked to. Either I don't respond at all or I didn't stand up for myself in the way I should have. Not that big of a deal, but sometimes those scenarios stick with me. Until I find myself where I am now...wanting to write a prof that I had years ago and say:

You remember that time you said that? You don't know what the hell you are talking about. Seriously. Why would you even say such a thing? It bothered me then and it continues to bother me now. I hope you are not still saying that to your classes.

It is just a bunch

of nameless nothing. Doesn't really make anything good to blog about.

I did get to see Tim, one of those dear friends that just kind of slips through the cracks and before you know it you haven't seen in two years. Maybe more like 3, because he had no idea about Lydia. It was great to reconnect - he wanted to know if moms of two went out for coctails. I assured him that moms of two probably went out for coctails more than we ever did before having kids. Beh, even that isn't true- I almost never drink unless I see my friends and that doesn't happen all that often.

I promised Marissa I wouldn't yesterday

but it is finally today and I just have to say

GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08! GO OBAMA 08!

Borrowed words for today.

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side

Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky

And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny

In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene

In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been

So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything

I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone

Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun

Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said

What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff

She said 'I like giants

Especially girl giants

Cause all girls feel too big sometimes

Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side

Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes

And I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl

And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul

But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado

So I flip to my back and I float and I sing

I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said

That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead

And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead

So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead

It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head

So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head

And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal

Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole

And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone

Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun

Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

And I don't wanna make her cry

Cause I like giants

the yin and the yang

There is always good with bad.

The good: My mom's sister made me cry like a baby at my graduation party. She said EXACTLY what I have needed to hear from a family member for so long. It made me wonder two things; why couldn't my mom say that and how on earth did two such different people come from the same family. My aunt says "I love you" as though her life depends on it. With heart, with soul, with honesty.

Thank you Auntie June. I don't know how you knew what to say, but I really needed to hear that.



The bad from my grad party isn't so much bad as it is annoying. My two faithful readers are well aware of Nate's limited diet and his strict GFCF menu. Mindful of all the treats Nate would have to be denied at the party, I brought him a little bag of cashews which he loves like a junkie loves smack. You know the type I am talking about- little plastic tube shaped bag of nuts that you buy for $.99 at a gas station or drug store. Anyway, I brought him one of those and set it on one of the tables (not the food table, just a table). Carlos' relative N apparently decided that they were just a random free bag of nuts, ate them, and then left the wrapper on the table. Nice, real nice.

It isn't the $.99 nuts. It isn't even that I had to tell Nate that I was wrong, there were no cashews after I had scooped him up and told him he could have some. It is that I just can not understand how someone just presumes that anything they see is for them. OK, I lied. It is totally that I had to tell Nate "sorry" and be the one to see the crushing sadness in his eyes about losing his anticipated treat. It is that a grown person caused that sadness, when there was SO MUCH other food.

Vented.

over it.

nope, still annoyed.

It's the little things

The changes in Nate aren't grand or sweeping- but they are real and substantial, and we will take that!

Yesterday Nate and I had a mama-son afternoon and did something I never dreamed possible. We went to the movies. Nate has a special relationship with Speed Racer, and we spent a lot of time talking about the new SR movie and how it was going to be live action and that there might be scary parts (rated PG- eep!) and that the biggest thing of all was that we were going to have to go to a movie theater and sit in one place for a long time with other people.

He did awesome!

He picked out skittles and a bottle of water from the concession stand- not fights about not being able to have M&Ms!

He sat and watched for one and a half hours straight! During a part foucused on the bad guy after a looooong dialogue scene he turned to me and said "I think I'm done now mama, can we go home?" and I took him home gladly, telling him how proud I was of how well behaved he was and how much I enjoyed our special afternoon.

So, we missed the last half hour of Speed Racer, but I am guessing that it went something like this:

good guy wins. Bad guy either a) goes to jail b) dies c) has a change of heart and becomes a good guy or d) loses all his money and becomes homeless in shame.


So really, we didn't miss much. Carlos was dubious of how it would go- but really he did so awesome I can't wait for the next movie he gets excited about!

Gradumacation

Ah Graduation day.

A big heartfelt thanks to Marissa and Ellisa for coming and seeing what a dork I look like in a tam and hood. I love you girls.

Enough happened before and during to keep me giggling and rolling my eyes for a life time.

It felt good, I think I am glad I did it. I wasn't nearly as emotional as I was for my college graduation. I don't know- I guess once I started I knew I would finish whereas with undergrad I didn't know I was going to get through it until I got through it.

Now off to clean my disaster of a house that hasn't been touched in a week.

Oh, and anyone need a bunch of law school study guides? Because I sure don't!

New class

not for me (thank goodness!) but for Nate. I went and sat in on the room that Nate will probably be placed in next year. It has been a hard decision, because we were given the option to keep him with the wonderful Ms. Franco for one more year- where both of us feel safe and secure- or to move him on to a full day program- where he will be challenged a bit more and go for a full day. The teacher has a special needs kid of her own, which makes me feel all the more comfortable. She had one of her students give me a tour and sit with me and explain his day to me- which I LOVED because it showed me how much she pushes her students to form normal interactions.

I think this is a good thing.

Today

Today

I am writing

in a style

that is not my own

as a way

to honor someone

whose style

is his own.

I know it may seem odd

to write of a man

on mother's day

and perhaps

even stranger that the man

is not Carlos

but such is the way that it is.


A man has a baby

and today is that baby's first mother's day

but the mother can not be with

her baby because

she died

without

ever

touching her

holding her

And now the man whose style I honor

must carry his wife in his heart

and be

mother.

I have

faith

that he will do an awesome job.


So

to read the story

and share the tears

visit his BLOG

and read WHAT HAPPENED

and spare a kind thought

for them.

thought for today

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow,
it only saps the joy of today.
-Leo F. Buscaglia

the more things change the more they stay the same

At the market today there was a cute young "emo" couple (for lack of a better word- as much as I would love to avoid labels the simple fact is that with one word you know exactly what I am talking about, so they were an Emo couple. Deal with it ;P ) looking all doomy and gloomy by the imported beer. This woman was talking to her friend or sister or whatever and saying that they try to look different by looking just like everyone else. It was all I could do to not roll my eyes and give her a swift kick.

In the grunge days, the alternateen days, the raverkid days we all heard that time and time again. No one got it. Not then, not now. We didn't dress that way or look that way thinking that we were the only ones on earth to do so. We set ourselves apart as a display of power. As a removal of permissions. It was a way to say "you are not allowed to say I don't belong with you, I'm saying I don't want to belong with you."

You are not allowed to find me strange, or odd, or different. I am finding that for myself, and I am happy.

Gloom on little Emos. Gloom on.

Tiffisa is...

like a warm sweater that fits just right

having faith, revisited

I stopped watering the dixie cup three days ago. I figured that it would give me a good way to explain it away -I'm sorry my little lamb, mama forgot to water it and it got all dried out. We can run up to the corner market and you can pick out some new seeds and mama can help you plant them!

I went to throw it out while Nate was getting dressed. Can you imagine my shock to see not one but two little shoots sticking out of the powdery soil? I yelled my fool head off for Nate to come quickly, come see his flowers.

"Oh I love them!"

I do too, peanut. I do too.

slump

In one, can't shake it. Can't sleep, got script to help it. blah blah blah.

Anyone remember the makeup ad from the late 80's? "Just when I think I have found myself I look and I'm not there." Yeah, that sounds about right lately.

having faith

Every day, Nate asks if he has a flower yet. He cradles the little plastic dixie cup in his hands and watches while I water oh so carefully.

And as a mom my heart aches, because chances are slim that anything will grow. "He would only do one seed" said the woman when I picked up Nate. One seed. Barely a hope. Then getting into the car he held the cup just a little too tight and some soil toppled out. Was the seed with it? Who knows. And so when my son peers into the murky soil, looking for life, I try to think of how to tell him that sometimes we are just dealt a short hand. Sometimes no matter how much we water, a flower just can't grow. I consider telling him that the value is in the watering, in the tender care, in the patience. That the flower at the end is not the only reward, and that not everything can be a flower. I consider running out and buying a new packet of seeds so that I can stack the deck back in our favor. I get angry at the cup for not being what my child wants it to be and then I get angry with myself for wanting that cup to be anything but what it is.

So in the end, I let the seed do what it is supposed to do- teach us to have faith.

I would love to say that just this moment I saw the first little shoot poking its way out of the soil, but this is not that kind of blog, and that is not the hand we were dealt. But we are going to continue to water that one seed that may or may not be there, and we are going to have faith that whether or not a flower grows all will be alright.

A dear John letter to the Catholic Church

It's been over for a while now, we both know it.

It's not you, it's me. Which is to say...it's totally you. And it's me. We just can't give what the other needs. We both deserve better. I love you, I'm just not *in* love with you. We'll always share the same basic beliefs and values, but I just can't swallow the Dogma any more. And before you get all defensive, no, I have not been tithing to another church behind your back- I just want to make a clean break so I can start looking for "minister right". No more baptisms, no more midnight mass, no more twice a year visits. I need to move on. We both do. You deserve someone who values you for everything you are and do. I'm not that person. Come on, if you looked in your heart you would know that too. I need to find what's right for me, and while I wanted it to be you so badly, it just isn't.

We have had a great run- a long run! Thirty years give or take a few wayward ones. But I feel now like we stay together just because we are all the other has ever known. That's not fair to us. You don't like us this way any more than I do. And so, thank you for all that you have given me. Parts of you I will carry forever.



You know, the title would have been way better if I had decided to leave a couple of years ago. Then it could have been a Dear Pope John letter.

I kill me!

My husband's newest mistress

It's my own fault for condoning it.

He went just the other day to speak to a man about ordering her. I'm a little intimidated, since this mistress will be custom built for him- exactly what he wants and to his measurements. He talked to me about how she is going to look, and I must confess she sounds cute.

I did lay down the law though- this is the LAST bike until I get my ring "upgraded"

Not right that a man's mistress should be better outfitted than his wife after all.

History

While in DC we visited the new addition to the Smithsonian Air and Space museum. Nate was in HEAVEN. The only thing that left me with an odd taste was the Enola Gay.

I wouldn't have even noticed it if it weren't for the Docent. I was walking back to find Maritza and Nate and passed by the Docent just in time to hear him say "and this is the plane that ended the war!" I glanced to see what plane did all that and there on the side it said "Enola Gay." I clung to the edge of the group tour, waiting to hear the rest of the story, so sure that any moment I was going to hear "ended the war but at a cost of 200,000 lives between Hiroshima and Nagasaki" or "ended the war but did lasting damage to the region on which the bomb was dropped" or "ending the war but was a sad look at the things humans will do in a conflict."

Nope, what I got was that this was the plane that ended the war. Go America!


I'm not one for revisionist history, nor for hiding the past. I believe that the Enola Gay has a place in the Smithsonian. Just don't gloss over what it was, what our country did with it.

So much, so little

I have nothing and worlds to say, so I am going to start with nothing and go from there.

The Bar: It's done. Yes, I am glad. No, I don't know how I did. Results come in May.

Whew! I feel better! I love (really and for true) all of the phone calls that have come in over the last couple weeks checking up on me and the test. Sadly, I just don't have anything more to say about it. I am flattered that so many have said they are sure I passed. Please understand that there is about a 32% chance that I didn't.

Moving on...

Day one

Well I survived, and for the most part I did OK. There were 15 essay questions on today's portion of the exam.

I have an issue (OK, I have a few dozen of them) in that I am easily distracted from what I am doing and once that happens it can be hard for me to get back to it.

Question #8 was about a couple who divorced and the kids, including an autistic son, live with the mom. The dad doesn't use all of his alloted time with the kids but sues for custody when the wife puts her autistic son onto a GFCF diet. Thank goodness that I do a rough draft of essays, because I spent ten minutes going OFF on how the husband needs to take the time to do his research and if the mom isn't expected to report every Twinkie the kid eats she shouldn't be expected to ask permission to do GFCF which can be so amazing for Autistic kids and further he should just be happy that she is the awesome mom that she is and does all of these therepies with her son and that he isn't even around to know what caring for the kid is like and now all of the sudden he wants custody???

And then I realized I hadn't written a word about the law, or the fact that he was also arguing that her job as a stripper was bad for the kids. Oops. And thank goodness I hadn't started writing in the test book yet.

So, I had a little trouble coming back to Earth after that, thankfully lunch was after question #9 and I was able to regroup because the afternoon session was a bitch. None of the questions were in my strong areas.

Marissa and I went to the gym (her gym is insane, for real) and then grabbed dinner. Taking a blog-break and now getting back to the books!

A heart felt thanks to all of you who are keeping me in your prayers!

two-a-day

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

Ladies and gentlement, prepare for panic

In under 48 hours I will be hunched over the Michigan Essay portion of the State Bar exam. My stomach is in knots. I keep having what would usually turn into a panic attack but have so far managed to keep myself calm calm calm *breathe in, breate out*

I'm not ready. And I'm scared.

Mostly of failure, of the shame that goes with failure. I feel the weight of people's expectations more than ever, much more than when I was in school. It all comes down to this, and while I know that I can take it again and that the world won't end if I don't pass the first time- everyone around me is just so darn *sure* of me and I can't bear to face them and tell them they were wrong to have such faith in me.

But none of that matters now, none of that can matter now- because right now I need to get back to the books and try like hell to pass this thing.

I never told you, but...

Friendships have been on my mind a lot lately. I think it is pretty safe to say that my current friends know what they mean to me and I do know what I mean to them. Marissa's post yesterday got me thinking of the friends that have faded, regrets, and things left unsaid. So, while I know they won't see this, I'm still going to take a moment to say what I should have so long ago.

April W. -My first best friend ever. I remember the day I met you, which says a lot because I was all of 7. So much of the good and bad parts of my young life I shared with you. Early crushes, wasted time, and later driving around in my car listening to the music that will always be the best music ever to me.

Cara D. -I miss you so much. I think everything else was said between us. You knew what you meant to me, and I know what I meant to you, and I am so sorry that things wound up the way they did. I take fault. I didn't write, or call, or do anything else to keep you from fading into the distance and now you are gone. I'm sorry.

Jenna B. -You taught me how not to end a friendship. I just couldn't stomach the choices you were making. You kept on putting men before your child. You needed to grow up and stop thinking about yourself. You needed to stop using people. My regret with you is that I didn't have the strength to say this to your face- you deserved me to explain rather than just drift away. Because of you I will never again silently judge those who are important to me, I'll say it to their face if I value them.

Michelle A. -I hope I was wrong about him. I hope you guys are happy. I hope you are OK. I can never forgive you but I will always care about you.

Change my stride

When you think you are tightly wound it is so sad that it just takes a simple tug of your strings for it to all come undone. When you think you are whole again it is shattering to glance at the cracks within.



Change my stride
Then Ill fly
Look to the sun
See me in psychic pollution
Walking on the moon
How could you dare?
Who do you think you are?
Youre insignificant
A small piece, an ism
No more no less

Will you?

Will you be my Valentine?

I have so much love for my girls.
You know exactly who you are (and you make up half of my regular readership LOL)


Roses are red
Violets are blue
My friends kick much ass
And a stiff drink does too.

*sigh*

45 visits to the gym

2.7 lbs lost.

title says it all.


It's not going to stop me, but man does it make me feel like a failure.

all in a moment

Life is summed up in a series of moments. The moment you realize that boyfriend is the one you are going to spend forever with, the moment that you reach out to someone and it changes you forever, the moment that your child is born.

As cheesy as it sounds, I had a moment that told me, were I ever given the choice to, I would vote for Obama for President. I became aware of Obama at the same time that so many other people did: the 2004 National Democratic Convention. He was the keynote speaker. I was driving in my car, listening to his address on the radio (yes, I am an NPR junkie and yes, I listen to the broadcasts of conventions. I thought for sure Kerry would win. Sue me for being a dork and being wrong). ANYWAY- I'm driving along, listening to this guy I had never heard of and what he said gave me honest to goodness chills. It isn't the same to just read it, but if you missed that speech here is the part that told me this was someone I wanted in power:

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and patriots who supported it. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope. I'm not talking about blind optimism here -- the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a mill worker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. The audacity of hope!

In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation; the belief in things not seen; the belief that there are better days ahead. I believe we can give our middle class relief and provide working families with a road to opportunity. I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair. I believe that as we stand on the crossroads of history, we can make the right choices, and meet the challenges that face us. America!

In awe

Just a few short moments ago, Lydia walked over to her chair at the table, poked at her booster and said "Dees?" (AKA "this" in Lydia speak) she then proceeded to sign "more" and looked at me with a stern face and said "eggs".

"you want some scrambled eggs?"

"Eggs!" she repeated and tried to climb into her booster by herself.


Having never experienced a 16 month old language explosion before, I stood in shock for about two minutes before hauling my booty into the kitchen to cook up some eggs.

This one time...

Eons ago, there was a doctor that I worked with several times a year. We were chatting one day-both of us pregnant as could be- and she shared with me that this pregnancy was interesting for her. Talking with her longer I learned that she was born with two uterus...uteruses...uteri...well anyway instead of one she had two, side by side. Each had one ovary, each had its own cervix. And, with her second baby, she had learned that she was carrying her second child in a different uterus than the one that she carried her first in.

I don't tell you this simply because its interesting (but I thought it was pretty darn interesting at the time) or to tell you that she was strange or an oddity or the like. I tell you this because I will always remember her and think of that story.

Its that way with friends sometimes too. You sit around, you have a drink, and you learn the words that make the stories that make up their past that has turned them into the friends you love so dear.

And so to my dearest friends, near and far- know that I carry you with me always. I may be driving down the road and think of something funny that happened to you as a kid, or something sad as a teenager, or something that shows your strength, your wit, your spirit. I carry your words as a way to have a part of you. Know that I carry these forever.

Last one

so I have to make it a good one huh?

Today's pick is June Carter Cash, Keep on the Sunnyside

Well there's a dark and a troubled side of life.
There's a bright and a sunny side too.
But if you meet with the darkness and strife,
The sunny side we also may view.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we keep on the sunny side of life.

Oh, the storm and its fury broke today,
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear.
Clouds and storms will in time pass away.
The sun again will shine bright and clear.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life.

Let us greet with a song of hope each day.
Though the moments be cloudy or fair.
Let us trust in our Saviour always,
To keep us, every one, in His care.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life.

Tom Boy

I couldn't pick just one for today, these two songs are forever tied in my memory because they both represent being in high school, driving around in my car with my best friend, just wasting time until we could leave and never look back.

The first one is Waiting Room by Fugazi. Yes yes yes, the song that they sold out with, the song that got radio play, the song that isn't a real Fugazi song. Suck it. I don't care. I remember hearing "I'm gonna fight for what I want to be" for the first time and thinking yeah, yeah I am. I'm getting out of here. And I did.

I am a patient boy
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
My time is like water down a drain
Everybody's moving, Everybody's moving,
Everybody's moving, moving, moving, moving
Please don't leave me to remain
In the waiting room
I don't want the news
I cannot use it
I don't want the news
I won't live by it
Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
Tell me why?
Because... they can't get up
Come on and get up
Come on and get up
But I don't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight for what I want to be
I won't make the same mistakes
Because I know
Because I know how much time that wastes
And Function
Function is the key
To the the waiting room
I don't want the news
I cannot use it
I don't want the news
I won't live by it
Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
Tell me why?
Because... they can't get up
Come on and get up
Up for the waiting room
Sitting in the waiting room




Second, Tom Boy by Bettie Seveert. Different tone, same message

From where I stand, I can see
they've got the upper hand of me
Reminds me of this world at last
Simply changes much to fast for me
And when they call out, will I hear them
And when they fall out, will I see them
This yellow light, on the crowd
and colours way to loud to see
Reveal their drive, we could change it
try to rearrange it
They call me a Tom Boy and I let them
cause only a Tom Boy could forget them
and simply change it
They call me a Tom Boy and I love it
cause only a Tom Boy could stand above it
by simply changing

Fly

I've always loved music. Rather, I can't remember a time when I didn't. I remember getting Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Purple Rain on LP and reading the lyrics on the cover over and over and over. Since then, lyrics have always meant a lot to me. Carlos and I even "hear" music differently- he hears the melody, all I can hear are the words. So for the next couple of days I am going to indulge myself and just talk about some of my favorite song lyrics of all time.

Some artists and songs just speak to me. One is Nick Drake. He offed himself in his twenties, before reaching any monetary success but after writing some of the most breathtaking words ever put to music. Anyone who saw Nate's first birthday collage so long ago heard his song "in the morning" in the background. Anyone who remembers a VW commercial where people drive to a party and then turn around and go home has heard "pink moon"

Here is today's pick: Fly by Nick Drake

To listen and see pics of him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ShXHW_FrlM

If you want to hear more, Pink Moon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0ODrmaiFE

Please give me a second grace
Please give me a second face
Ive fallen far down
The first time around
Now I just sit on the ground in your way

Now if its time to recompense for whats done
Come, come sit down on the fence in the sun
And the clouds will roll by
And well never deny
Its really too hard for
to fly.

Please tell me your second name
Please play me your second game
Ive fallen so far
For the people you are
I just need your star for a day.

So come, come ride in my my street-car by the bay
For now I must know how fine you are in your way
And the sea sure as i
But she wont need to cry
For its really too hard for
to fly.

What did I do to deserve this man?

Something in a past life would be my only guess.


Today Nate asked me that beloved pre-schooler "why?" when I said I was going to the gym. I responded "so I can get pretty."

"that silly" Nate responded, to which Carlos added:

"That is silly. No one can get pretty by going to the gym. You either are pretty or you aren't. And you are pretty."


Swoon.

Sweet goodness

Last weekend Carlos mentioned in passing to his family that he was considering racing road as well as mountain bikes.

Anyone have a wall I can bang my head against?

Two children enter, one child leaves

Man I wish I owned a cam-corder.

My four year old and one year old were together in a pack-and-play, wrestling and tickling and laughing hysterically. All I could think was that it looked like a scene from a movie that could be called:

Mad Mom, beyond the playdome

All I needed was a Tina Turner wig as I was laying down the rules.

Somedays it is so good to be me.

The years go by

Not much to say today. My mother-in-law has a fractured pelvis and is bed bound. They don't know how she did it or what they are going to do about it yet.

It is so scary to me that my in-laws are in their 70s. All of my grandparents passed away before reaching that same age. The thought of losing one of Carlos' parents is pure pain. I have only had them for a dozen years, I need them for a lifetime more.

It is a great reminder that I am so lucky to have amazing in-laws who are such a part of my life.

they were yummy, but were they worth it?

last night with the girls I ate tortilla chips, salsa, pretzles, and watermelon. Aparently about 650 calories worth. and that isn't even trying to include the drink that I had. I think that there is something cosmically wrong with the world when more or less healthy snacks can derail your diet.

All I could think this morning when I added up the calories was "damn, I could have had a cheeseburger!"


mmmmmmmmmmm cheeseburger...

I'm *NOT* going to the gym tomorrow

Darn it, I won't! Which means I probably will.

Today marks the 8th day in a row of going to the gym. I mean to take a day off. I want to take a day off. But as I sit at home trying to study around two monkey-children I decide it will be so much easier to study at the Gym on one of the machines and off we go.

Really, it's not such a bad problem to have- but I am out of gym clothes and don't need all the extra laundry in my life ;)

no time to write for myself

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, helter skelter
And I've leaned on me for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way it should be
Now I can't change the way you feel
But I can put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel
I'll put my arms around you

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

Not mine, it is old Massive Attack. Good stuff.

Bar prep, day one

8.5 hours of studying.

my brain is mush. And the saddest part of all? Even if I get in a solid 8 hours on the 4 days a week that Carlos doesn't work, I am STILL about 20 hours a week behind the suggested study pace.

God, grace, and gifts- may they all work together and see me through this!

The truth of it

It doesn't matter how much you have come to terms with things
It doesn't matter how comfortable you are in your familial "skin"
It doesn't matter that she is the picture of health
It doesn't matter that in your head and heart you already know she is NT
It doesn't matter that her pedi has been saying since she was 6 months old that she is NT
It doesn't matter that the specialists and educators that work with your son all say she is NT
It doesn't matter that just as you love your son, you love her and would take whatever life throws at you
It doesn't matter that ten seconds later she was off doing something else

the truth of it is

that when you round the corner and see her sitting on the floor, spinning the wheels on an overturned toy car you feel like you have just been punched in the gut.