Day one

Well I survived, and for the most part I did OK. There were 15 essay questions on today's portion of the exam.

I have an issue (OK, I have a few dozen of them) in that I am easily distracted from what I am doing and once that happens it can be hard for me to get back to it.

Question #8 was about a couple who divorced and the kids, including an autistic son, live with the mom. The dad doesn't use all of his alloted time with the kids but sues for custody when the wife puts her autistic son onto a GFCF diet. Thank goodness that I do a rough draft of essays, because I spent ten minutes going OFF on how the husband needs to take the time to do his research and if the mom isn't expected to report every Twinkie the kid eats she shouldn't be expected to ask permission to do GFCF which can be so amazing for Autistic kids and further he should just be happy that she is the awesome mom that she is and does all of these therepies with her son and that he isn't even around to know what caring for the kid is like and now all of the sudden he wants custody???

And then I realized I hadn't written a word about the law, or the fact that he was also arguing that her job as a stripper was bad for the kids. Oops. And thank goodness I hadn't started writing in the test book yet.

So, I had a little trouble coming back to Earth after that, thankfully lunch was after question #9 and I was able to regroup because the afternoon session was a bitch. None of the questions were in my strong areas.

Marissa and I went to the gym (her gym is insane, for real) and then grabbed dinner. Taking a blog-break and now getting back to the books!

A heart felt thanks to all of you who are keeping me in your prayers!

two-a-day

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

Ladies and gentlement, prepare for panic

In under 48 hours I will be hunched over the Michigan Essay portion of the State Bar exam. My stomach is in knots. I keep having what would usually turn into a panic attack but have so far managed to keep myself calm calm calm *breathe in, breate out*

I'm not ready. And I'm scared.

Mostly of failure, of the shame that goes with failure. I feel the weight of people's expectations more than ever, much more than when I was in school. It all comes down to this, and while I know that I can take it again and that the world won't end if I don't pass the first time- everyone around me is just so darn *sure* of me and I can't bear to face them and tell them they were wrong to have such faith in me.

But none of that matters now, none of that can matter now- because right now I need to get back to the books and try like hell to pass this thing.

I never told you, but...

Friendships have been on my mind a lot lately. I think it is pretty safe to say that my current friends know what they mean to me and I do know what I mean to them. Marissa's post yesterday got me thinking of the friends that have faded, regrets, and things left unsaid. So, while I know they won't see this, I'm still going to take a moment to say what I should have so long ago.

April W. -My first best friend ever. I remember the day I met you, which says a lot because I was all of 7. So much of the good and bad parts of my young life I shared with you. Early crushes, wasted time, and later driving around in my car listening to the music that will always be the best music ever to me.

Cara D. -I miss you so much. I think everything else was said between us. You knew what you meant to me, and I know what I meant to you, and I am so sorry that things wound up the way they did. I take fault. I didn't write, or call, or do anything else to keep you from fading into the distance and now you are gone. I'm sorry.

Jenna B. -You taught me how not to end a friendship. I just couldn't stomach the choices you were making. You kept on putting men before your child. You needed to grow up and stop thinking about yourself. You needed to stop using people. My regret with you is that I didn't have the strength to say this to your face- you deserved me to explain rather than just drift away. Because of you I will never again silently judge those who are important to me, I'll say it to their face if I value them.

Michelle A. -I hope I was wrong about him. I hope you guys are happy. I hope you are OK. I can never forgive you but I will always care about you.

Change my stride

When you think you are tightly wound it is so sad that it just takes a simple tug of your strings for it to all come undone. When you think you are whole again it is shattering to glance at the cracks within.



Change my stride
Then Ill fly
Look to the sun
See me in psychic pollution
Walking on the moon
How could you dare?
Who do you think you are?
Youre insignificant
A small piece, an ism
No more no less

Will you?

Will you be my Valentine?

I have so much love for my girls.
You know exactly who you are (and you make up half of my regular readership LOL)


Roses are red
Violets are blue
My friends kick much ass
And a stiff drink does too.

*sigh*

45 visits to the gym

2.7 lbs lost.

title says it all.


It's not going to stop me, but man does it make me feel like a failure.

all in a moment

Life is summed up in a series of moments. The moment you realize that boyfriend is the one you are going to spend forever with, the moment that you reach out to someone and it changes you forever, the moment that your child is born.

As cheesy as it sounds, I had a moment that told me, were I ever given the choice to, I would vote for Obama for President. I became aware of Obama at the same time that so many other people did: the 2004 National Democratic Convention. He was the keynote speaker. I was driving in my car, listening to his address on the radio (yes, I am an NPR junkie and yes, I listen to the broadcasts of conventions. I thought for sure Kerry would win. Sue me for being a dork and being wrong). ANYWAY- I'm driving along, listening to this guy I had never heard of and what he said gave me honest to goodness chills. It isn't the same to just read it, but if you missed that speech here is the part that told me this was someone I wanted in power:

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and patriots who supported it. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope. I'm not talking about blind optimism here -- the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a mill worker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. The audacity of hope!

In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation; the belief in things not seen; the belief that there are better days ahead. I believe we can give our middle class relief and provide working families with a road to opportunity. I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair. I believe that as we stand on the crossroads of history, we can make the right choices, and meet the challenges that face us. America!

In awe

Just a few short moments ago, Lydia walked over to her chair at the table, poked at her booster and said "Dees?" (AKA "this" in Lydia speak) she then proceeded to sign "more" and looked at me with a stern face and said "eggs".

"you want some scrambled eggs?"

"Eggs!" she repeated and tried to climb into her booster by herself.


Having never experienced a 16 month old language explosion before, I stood in shock for about two minutes before hauling my booty into the kitchen to cook up some eggs.

This one time...

Eons ago, there was a doctor that I worked with several times a year. We were chatting one day-both of us pregnant as could be- and she shared with me that this pregnancy was interesting for her. Talking with her longer I learned that she was born with two uterus...uteruses...uteri...well anyway instead of one she had two, side by side. Each had one ovary, each had its own cervix. And, with her second baby, she had learned that she was carrying her second child in a different uterus than the one that she carried her first in.

I don't tell you this simply because its interesting (but I thought it was pretty darn interesting at the time) or to tell you that she was strange or an oddity or the like. I tell you this because I will always remember her and think of that story.

Its that way with friends sometimes too. You sit around, you have a drink, and you learn the words that make the stories that make up their past that has turned them into the friends you love so dear.

And so to my dearest friends, near and far- know that I carry you with me always. I may be driving down the road and think of something funny that happened to you as a kid, or something sad as a teenager, or something that shows your strength, your wit, your spirit. I carry your words as a way to have a part of you. Know that I carry these forever.

Last one

so I have to make it a good one huh?

Today's pick is June Carter Cash, Keep on the Sunnyside

Well there's a dark and a troubled side of life.
There's a bright and a sunny side too.
But if you meet with the darkness and strife,
The sunny side we also may view.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we keep on the sunny side of life.

Oh, the storm and its fury broke today,
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear.
Clouds and storms will in time pass away.
The sun again will shine bright and clear.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life.

Let us greet with a song of hope each day.
Though the moments be cloudy or fair.
Let us trust in our Saviour always,
To keep us, every one, in His care.

Keep on the sunny side,
always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day,
it will brighten all the way,
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life.

Tom Boy

I couldn't pick just one for today, these two songs are forever tied in my memory because they both represent being in high school, driving around in my car with my best friend, just wasting time until we could leave and never look back.

The first one is Waiting Room by Fugazi. Yes yes yes, the song that they sold out with, the song that got radio play, the song that isn't a real Fugazi song. Suck it. I don't care. I remember hearing "I'm gonna fight for what I want to be" for the first time and thinking yeah, yeah I am. I'm getting out of here. And I did.

I am a patient boy
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
My time is like water down a drain
Everybody's moving, Everybody's moving,
Everybody's moving, moving, moving, moving
Please don't leave me to remain
In the waiting room
I don't want the news
I cannot use it
I don't want the news
I won't live by it
Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
Tell me why?
Because... they can't get up
Come on and get up
Come on and get up
But I don't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight for what I want to be
I won't make the same mistakes
Because I know
Because I know how much time that wastes
And Function
Function is the key
To the the waiting room
I don't want the news
I cannot use it
I don't want the news
I won't live by it
Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
Tell me why?
Because... they can't get up
Come on and get up
Up for the waiting room
Sitting in the waiting room




Second, Tom Boy by Bettie Seveert. Different tone, same message

From where I stand, I can see
they've got the upper hand of me
Reminds me of this world at last
Simply changes much to fast for me
And when they call out, will I hear them
And when they fall out, will I see them
This yellow light, on the crowd
and colours way to loud to see
Reveal their drive, we could change it
try to rearrange it
They call me a Tom Boy and I let them
cause only a Tom Boy could forget them
and simply change it
They call me a Tom Boy and I love it
cause only a Tom Boy could stand above it
by simply changing